Some people believe that people should not work once they reach the retirement age. Do you agree or disagree?

Please read the sample answer and response of student 1.

Answer:

Whether people should work or not when they attain the retirement age is a moot issue among many people. I personally believe that people should work even after retirement as they have vast experience to handle critical matters, and it will help them to earn more money for a better living.

At the age of retirement, people have a vast experience of numerous years (decades) and they are an asset for their employer. (Well expressed idea. Now you need to explain how they’re an asset to the employer.) Retiring a well-trained employee who has a deep understanding of various systems of a company can be instrumental in manifold decrease profits (profit can’t be manifold) of the company due to their refine indispensable skills (Need better expression). Therefore, a sudden leave from the work at retirement will (prefer simple present tense as I’ve written below) definitely be a huge loss to the company (HOW? Be specific: Therefore, a sudden loss of these employees creates a vacuum in a company and this prevents normal functioning of business.), whereas, the retention of old employees will saves the organization’s funds, which they are going to spend on the training of new faces or can be utilized to train new employees. (this paragraph needs better expression through a superior choice of words and more specificity.)

In addition to this, a sudden change of lifestyle after retirement will undoubtedly creates undue financial pressure and stress which consequently leads to various health issues such as …… but . (You need to explain this point before drawing a conclusion. Employees, once retired, face a sudden drop in income while the expenses stay high. This leads to an erosion of savings and stress that forces people into depression and anxiety.) However, if people continue to work they will do not feel isolated (the point is FINANCIAL, not isolation) and it will be good (this word has no specific meaning) for their overall well-being. Apart from this it, if people stop working after achieving a certain age then they have to survive on the pensions and their children may look them down as a burden (Now you’re explaining point 1. Wrong placement. Lost the logical flow of the argument.). Hence, working even after retirement would infuse a positive spirit in them and it would capable them they would be capable of meeting to meet their day to expenses.

Conclusively, I firmly believe that age has nothing to do with the retirement. If people continue doing their office work even after the retirement age, it will have myriad benefits for both the employer and the employee as it will be a boon for the company to have skilled workers and it will also provide an emotional support to the worker at the old age. (Well-written conclusion using a future voice.)

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