Twenty years ago I knew a man called Jiggins, who hadthe Health Habit.He used to take a cold plunge every morning. He said itopened his pores. After it he took a hot sponge. He saidit closed the pores. He got so that he could open andshut his pores at will.Jiggins used to stand and breathe at an open window forhalf an hour before dressing. He said it expanded hislungs. He might, of course, have had it done in a shoe-storewith a boot stretcher, but after all it cost him nothingthis way, and what is half an hour?After he had got his undershirt on, Jiggins used to hitchhimself up like a dog in harness and do Sandow exercises.He did them forwards, backwards, and hind-side up.He could have got a job as a dog anywhere. He spent allhis time at this kind of thing. In his spare time at theoffice, he used to lie on his stomach on the floor andsee if he could lift himself up with his knuckles. If hecould, then he tried some other way until he found onethat he couldn’t do. Then he would spend the rest of hislunch hour on his stomach, perfectly happy.In the evenings in his room he used to lift iron bars,cannon-balls, heave dumb-bells, and haul himself up tothe ceiling with his teeth. You could hear the thumpshalf a mile. He liked it.He spent half the night slinging himself around his room.He said it made his brain clear. When he got his brainperfectly clear, he went to bed and slept. As soon as hewoke, he began clearing it again.Jiggins is dead. He was, of course, a pioneer, but thefact that he dumb-belled himself to death at an earlyage does not prevent a whole generation of young men fromfollowing in his path.They are ridden by the Health Mania.They make themselves a nuisance.They get up at impossible hours. They go out in sillylittle suits and run Marathon heats before breakfast.They chase around barefoot to get the dew on their feet.They hunt for ozone. They bother about pepsin. They won’teat meat because it has too much nitrogen. They won’teat fruit because it hasn’t any. They prefer albumen andstarch and nitrogen to huckleberry pie and doughnuts.They won’t drink water out of a tap. They won’t eatsardines out of a can. They won’t use oysters out of apail. They won’t drink milk out of a glass. They areafraid of alcohol in any shape. Yes, sir, afraid. “Cowards.”And after all their fuss they presently incur some simpleold-fashioned illness and die like anybody else.Now people of this sort have no chance to attain anygreat age. They are on the wrong track.Listen. Do you want to live to be really old, to enjoya grand, green, exuberant, boastful old age and to makeyourself a nuisance to your whole neighbourhood with yourreminiscences?Then cut out all this nonsense. Cut it out. Get up inthe morning at a sensible hour. The time to get up iswhen you have to, not before. If your office opens ateleven, get up at ten-thirty. Take your chance on ozone.There isn’t any such thing anyway. Or, if there is, youcan buy a Thermos bottle full for five cents, and put iton a shelf in your cupboard. If your work begins at sevenin the morning, get up at ten minutes to, but don’t beliar enough to say that you like it. It isn’t exhilarating,and you know it.Also, drop all that cold-bath business. You never did itwhen you were a boy. Don’t be a fool now. If you musttake a bath (you don’t really need to), take it warm.The pleasure of getting out of a cold bed and creepinginto a hot bath beats a cold plunge to death. In anycase, stop gassing about your tub and your “shower,” asif you were the only man who ever washed.So much for that point.Next, take the question of germs and bacilli. Don’t bescared of them. That’s all. That’s the whole thing, andif you once get on to that you never need to worry again.If you see a bacilli, walk right up to it, and look itin the eye. If one flies into your room, strike at itwith your hat or with a towel. Hit it as hard as you canbetween the neck and the thorax. It will soon get sickof that.But as a matter of fact, a bacilli is perfectly quietand harmless if you are not afraid of it. Speak to it.Call out to it to “lie down.” It will understand. I hada bacilli once, called Fido, that would come and lie atmy feet while I was working. I never knew a moreaffectionate companion, and when it was run over by anautomobile, I buried it in the garden with genuine sorrow.(I admit this is an exaggeration. I don’t really rememberits name; it may have been Robert.)Understand that it is only a fad of modern medicine tosay that cholera and typhoid and diphtheria are causedby bacilli and germs; nonsense. Cholera is caused by afrightful pain in the stomach, and diphtheria is causedby trying to cure a sore throat.Now take the question of food.Eat what you want. Eat lots of it. Yes, eat too much ofit. Eat till you can just stagger across the room withit and prop it up against a sofa cushion. Eat everythingthat you like until you can’t eat any more. The only testis, can you pay for it? If you can’t pay for it, don’teat it. And listen–don’t worry as to whether your foodcontains starch, or albumen, or gluten, or nitrogen. Ifyou are a damn fool enough to want these things, go andbuy them and eat all you want of them. Go to a laundryand get a bag of starch, and eat your fill of it. Eatit, and take a good long drink of glue after it, and aspoonful of Portland cement. That will gluten you, goodand solid.If you like nitrogen, go and get a druggist to give youa canful of it at the soda counter, and let you sip itwith a straw. Only don’t think that you can mix all thesethings up with your food. There isn’t any nitrogen orphosphorus or albumen in ordinary things to eat. In anydecent household all that sort of stuff is washed out inthe kitchen sink before the food is put on the table.And just one word about fresh air and exercise. Don’tbother with either of them. Get your room full of goodair, then shut up the windows and keep it. It will keepfor years. Anyway, don’t keep using your lungs all thetime. Let them rest. As for exercise, if you have to takeit, take it and put up with it. But as long as you havethe price of a hack and can hire other people to playbaseball for you and run races and do gymnastics whenyou sit in the shade and smoke and watch them–greatheavens, what more do you want?

How to Live to Be 200” by Leacock criticizes health fanatics. How do the author’s writing techniques make readers aware that it is a satire?

 

Introduction – include “title of work in quotation marks” and the author— clearly describe your topic and your thesis – this must be an argumentative point that is like the engine driving your essay; the rest of the

essay supports the thesis with evidence— you may have three supporting points but it is not necessary (it’s an effective formula); more important is to have reasoning and/or method

(why and/or how literature works)Body paragraphs – each has a topic sentence that connects to and supports the thesis— Analysis of the literary text as evidence is crucial, and effective with the use of “quotations from the text.” Explanation of evidence is

what makes analysis excel. This is what separates ‘A’ essays from ‘C’ essays (the latter are usually a lot of summary without much

argumentation; in short, they are dull and seem pointless).Conclusion – re-iterates your thesis with new language (no cut and paste please!). Hopefully your argumentative analysis will bring you to a new

discovery. You can also use your conclusion to tie up or sort out any loose ends in your essay.MLA Style – if you know how to use it please do; if you don’t know yet please don’t worry this time. We will cover MLA style documentation

before your next assignment.